Report on the Keynote Speech on EQ Parenting by Dr. Tobias at CAP2006
(by Yingting Zhang)
Dear Clubbers and Friends,
It has been nearly a month since the 3rd annual Conference of Chinese-American Parenting Practices (CAP2006) took place on Sept 9, 2006 in the Clarion Hotel in Edison, NJ. Many of us who attended the conference must still remember the very informative and educational keynote speech delivered by Dr. Steven Tobias, who coauthored the widely acclaimed book "Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child." I meant to write this report much sooner; however, during the last few weeks, I was terribly busy both at work and home. Here finally is the report of Dr. Tobias' keynote speech based on my notes.
Emotional intelligence is the cornerstone of all the learnings. However, high EQ is now made hard to achieve by three major factors: a) the breakdown of traditional family values and community support mechanisms; b) demands of modern society; and c) unintended use of technology. Children nowadays tend to be less socially skilled due to the fact that they lack unstructured extracurricular activities. Those unstructured free playings are actually good in developing children's problem-solving skills. Computers are often overused as an intermediary. Meaningful social interactions are thus lost through computers. Fortunately, emotional and social skills can be learned. Some children are in fact socially and emotionally gifted. It is up to the parents to be aware of their children's development.
Dr. Tobias pointed out 5 goals of emotional intelligence:
1. Be aware of one's own feelings and those of others. Three kinds of feelings are often confused by many people: anger, frustration and disappointment. Differentiating these three feelings is very important. Anger comes from hurt. It's a secondary emotion. Some may react to this feeling by hurting others. With frustration, one can either keep trying, or take a break, or seek help. Disappointment means you do not get what you wanted. As parents, we need to teach our kids how to differentiate these 3 feelings. Of course other feelings are crucial too.
2. Show empathy and understand others' point of view. Remember children have a tremendous capacity for empathy. It requires us to read non-verbal cues to teach children how to empathize.
3. Regulate and cope positively with emotional and behavioral impulses. This is about self control. The ability to wait is important. "The longer you wait, the more you get." said Dr. Tobias. With the delay of gratification, you appreciate more what you wanted.
4. Be positive goal and plan oriented.
5. Use positive social skills in handling relationships. Teach kids how to accept criticism.
Dr. Tobias also introduced to the audience a model for facilitating emotional intelligence and social problem solving called FIG TESPN which stands for:
F-Feelings cue me to problem solve.
I-I have to take responsibility for problem solving.
G-Goals give me a guide.
T-Think of things to do.
E-Envision outcomes for each option.
S-Select my starting solution.
P-Plan, anticipate pitfalls, practice, and pursue it.
N-Notice what happened and now what?
Parents should use this model to coach children in responsible action.
In one of his two handout sheets is a list of positive and negative feelings that parents usually display towards their children. This is an extract from the book "Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" written by Dr. Tobias and his two partners, Dr. Maurice J. Elias and Dr. Brian S. Friedlander. The listed feelings are: Love, Pride, Fun, Compassion, Respect, Understanding, Interest, Anger, Disappointment, Frustration, Annoyance, Embarrassment, Anxiety and Withdrawal. The authors listed the positive feelings first as many people tend to forget about them. In the authors' words: "What is the balance between positive and negative feelings you show - not what you feel, but what you show? Remember, our children only know what we show them. Most parent find they need to put more emphasis on showing more of the positive feelings, because the negatives seem to come out fairly easily. The key for our children is balance. So put your focus on the positives and don't worry so much about decreasing the negatives at the moment. The latter is hard for most parents. You can re-balance through positives."
Among all the negative feelings the one parents show most often towards their children is ANXIETY. All the other negatives are originated from this feeling. We worry about our children too much - about their health, schooling, future, etc. Being aware of this is important for both parents and children so that we both cope with and differentiate the negative feelings better.
At the end of the speech were questions and answers. Questions raised by the audience include, but are not limited to, the following:
Q. Is ADD biological or rather social-oriented?
A. ADD is measured by degree. Kids in the middle section are more environmentally sensitive. Why are more kids diagnosed with ADD now? Because there are more demands of the children. Sleep deprivation could also be the cause of ADD.
Q. How to make kids accept unsuccessful result?
A. Validate their feelings first and help them find a way to improve.
Q. How to make kids stick to their own goals?
A. Work first and play later. When planning, take obstacle into consideration.
Q. What is the correlation between IQ and EQ?
A. Only about 20%. IQ cannot be taught; while EQ can.
Q. Is it a good idea to use money allowance?
A. Material reinforcement is often weak. Try to use social reinforcement instead. Let the kids know that doing things for others often makes you feel good. However if the money allowance is used to teach kids money management, that can be acceptable.
Dr. Tobias' keynote speech was superbly delivered and greatly welcomed by the audience. Hope this report will help those friends who were not able to attend the conference to be informed of this very educational presentation.
FYI, the PCE Club's monthly event in October 2006 will be a discussion forum on Dr Tobias' EQ Parenting speech. More information will be posted. Please stay tuned.
Respectfully submitted by
Yingting Zhang
On behalf of all the PCE Club's organizers
(by Yingting Zhang)
Dear Clubbers and Friends,
It has been nearly a month since the 3rd annual Conference of Chinese-American Parenting Practices (CAP2006) took place on Sept 9, 2006 in the Clarion Hotel in Edison, NJ. Many of us who attended the conference must still remember the very informative and educational keynote speech delivered by Dr. Steven Tobias, who coauthored the widely acclaimed book "Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child." I meant to write this report much sooner; however, during the last few weeks, I was terribly busy both at work and home. Here finally is the report of Dr. Tobias' keynote speech based on my notes.
Emotional intelligence is the cornerstone of all the learnings. However, high EQ is now made hard to achieve by three major factors: a) the breakdown of traditional family values and community support mechanisms; b) demands of modern society; and c) unintended use of technology. Children nowadays tend to be less socially skilled due to the fact that they lack unstructured extracurricular activities. Those unstructured free playings are actually good in developing children's problem-solving skills. Computers are often overused as an intermediary. Meaningful social interactions are thus lost through computers. Fortunately, emotional and social skills can be learned. Some children are in fact socially and emotionally gifted. It is up to the parents to be aware of their children's development.
Dr. Tobias pointed out 5 goals of emotional intelligence:
1. Be aware of one's own feelings and those of others. Three kinds of feelings are often confused by many people: anger, frustration and disappointment. Differentiating these three feelings is very important. Anger comes from hurt. It's a secondary emotion. Some may react to this feeling by hurting others. With frustration, one can either keep trying, or take a break, or seek help. Disappointment means you do not get what you wanted. As parents, we need to teach our kids how to differentiate these 3 feelings. Of course other feelings are crucial too.
2. Show empathy and understand others' point of view. Remember children have a tremendous capacity for empathy. It requires us to read non-verbal cues to teach children how to empathize.
3. Regulate and cope positively with emotional and behavioral impulses. This is about self control. The ability to wait is important. "The longer you wait, the more you get." said Dr. Tobias. With the delay of gratification, you appreciate more what you wanted.
4. Be positive goal and plan oriented.
5. Use positive social skills in handling relationships. Teach kids how to accept criticism.
Dr. Tobias also introduced to the audience a model for facilitating emotional intelligence and social problem solving called FIG TESPN which stands for:
F-Feelings cue me to problem solve.
I-I have to take responsibility for problem solving.
G-Goals give me a guide.
T-Think of things to do.
E-Envision outcomes for each option.
S-Select my starting solution.
P-Plan, anticipate pitfalls, practice, and pursue it.
N-Notice what happened and now what?
Parents should use this model to coach children in responsible action.
In one of his two handout sheets is a list of positive and negative feelings that parents usually display towards their children. This is an extract from the book "Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" written by Dr. Tobias and his two partners, Dr. Maurice J. Elias and Dr. Brian S. Friedlander. The listed feelings are: Love, Pride, Fun, Compassion, Respect, Understanding, Interest, Anger, Disappointment, Frustration, Annoyance, Embarrassment, Anxiety and Withdrawal. The authors listed the positive feelings first as many people tend to forget about them. In the authors' words: "What is the balance between positive and negative feelings you show - not what you feel, but what you show? Remember, our children only know what we show them. Most parent find they need to put more emphasis on showing more of the positive feelings, because the negatives seem to come out fairly easily. The key for our children is balance. So put your focus on the positives and don't worry so much about decreasing the negatives at the moment. The latter is hard for most parents. You can re-balance through positives."
Among all the negative feelings the one parents show most often towards their children is ANXIETY. All the other negatives are originated from this feeling. We worry about our children too much - about their health, schooling, future, etc. Being aware of this is important for both parents and children so that we both cope with and differentiate the negative feelings better.
At the end of the speech were questions and answers. Questions raised by the audience include, but are not limited to, the following:
Q. Is ADD biological or rather social-oriented?
A. ADD is measured by degree. Kids in the middle section are more environmentally sensitive. Why are more kids diagnosed with ADD now? Because there are more demands of the children. Sleep deprivation could also be the cause of ADD.
Q. How to make kids accept unsuccessful result?
A. Validate their feelings first and help them find a way to improve.
Q. How to make kids stick to their own goals?
A. Work first and play later. When planning, take obstacle into consideration.
Q. What is the correlation between IQ and EQ?
A. Only about 20%. IQ cannot be taught; while EQ can.
Q. Is it a good idea to use money allowance?
A. Material reinforcement is often weak. Try to use social reinforcement instead. Let the kids know that doing things for others often makes you feel good. However if the money allowance is used to teach kids money management, that can be acceptable.
Dr. Tobias' keynote speech was superbly delivered and greatly welcomed by the audience. Hope this report will help those friends who were not able to attend the conference to be informed of this very educational presentation.
FYI, the PCE Club's monthly event in October 2006 will be a discussion forum on Dr Tobias' EQ Parenting speech. More information will be posted. Please stay tuned.
Respectfully submitted by
Yingting Zhang
On behalf of all the PCE Club's organizers
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